gorgeousbowneyes

"This Love"

Sun, 09 Nov 2008 09:11:07 GMT

Title: This Love
Author: gorgeousbowneyes
Disclaimer: Don't own the lyrics to "This Love" by the Veronicas, just borrowing them.
Summary: A story of a love you can't let go, but can't have, either.
AN: Piece of original fiction. Prompt was an English assignment a long while ago, write a short story in 800 words, responding to some kind of stimulus. I decided to do a practice, and since I was so obsessed with this song at the time, I decided to make my stimulus the song "This Love" by the Veronicas. It's in 'song fic' style, and while I don't usually like to write in this kind of style, I felt I needed to put more of the lyrics in than I would usually. I just love this song !! lol.

This Love
By gorgeousbowneyes

I couldn’t stay. I had to go back. There was no other choice.

I crept out of the bed slowly and quietly, glancing behind me to ensure I hadn’t woke him up. I caught sight of his blissful face, eyes shut and looking totally relaxed. Content. It hurt that I had to go, more than I can ever say.

Now free of the bed I searched quickly for all my clothes. I dressed silently, forcing myself to not look back again, otherwise I didn’t think I’d be able to tear myself away from him again. I don’t want to leave. My heart is fighting a losing battle against my mind, my love fighting to be acknowledged, yet my mind forcing me on. Now dressed, I allow a final look.

He’s moved position, now lying on his side facing the part of the bed I had just vacated. I want to be back in those arms, warm, content with him. Why do I have to go? Why can’t I stay, please, let me stay!

But no. I have to go.

I creep to the door of the bedroom, and ever so softly ease it open, and slip through, closing it once more. I glance around the rest of his apartment, a soft sigh escapes my lips as I take in what I can never have with him.

I search for my handbag, check I have everything, and rush out the front door. I hurry to the lifts, waiting impatiently for it to arrive to take me to the ground floor, praying that I don’t lose my courage before I can leave this place.

I’ve finally made it to my car. I jump into the driver’s seat, turn on the engine and pull out into the road next to the apartment building. I just drive. My mind is in turmoil and I can’t concentrate on where I’m going, I have no idea, I’m just driving.

The silence gets to me.

I flick the switch to turn on the radio and I’m hit by the late night talk of some radio show. It annoys me so I push a button and the station changes. More rabble. I continue clicking. A techno song. Classical music. Another call in talk show. And then ....

... it’d be ok.
I trusted you to hold my heart,
Now fate is pulling me away, from you.

I hesitate. I’m tempted to keep going through stations. But the song captivates me. It sounds so real to me, so real. This is what I feel.

Even if I leave you now,
And it breaks my heart.
Even if I’m not around,
I won’t give in,
I can’t give up,
On this love.

Why does it have to be this way? I love you! I can’t see myself with anyone else and yet I have to go away from you and back to another man. Why does love have to hurt me so much, why, why, why, WHY? My dearest husband would murder you if he knew what I did. I love you, not him. And I can’t give you up, my love. Just like I have no choice but to stay with my husband.

I can feel my tears running down my face. I know the sobs will come soon. I need to find somewhere to pull over before that happens. I glance around quickly and pull into a highway rest zone that was nearby.

You've become a piece of me.
Makes me sick to even think,
Of mornings waking up alone.
Searching for you in my sheets.
Don't fade, away.

The song echoes through my car, I’ve pumped the volume up to cover the sounds of my sobs. And I cry and sob and scream and cry some more.

My heart screams at the unfairness of it all. I want to be able to love you properly. I need to be able to love you as you deserve, not this. You don’t deserve this. And yet ... I can’t let you go. I can’t let you move on to someone else no matter how much I know we can never be.

But this is love.

Who thinks straight when they can’t feel anything but the constant, persistent, damned feeling that you can’t live without your other half?

I hold onto the steering wheel and lean my head on it. I feel the wracking sobs surge up through my chest and boil out of my mouth, nose and eyes. I can barely breathe. Something is squeezing my heart and won’t let go, forcing the sobs out of my body.

Even if I leave you now,
And it breaks my heart.
Even if I'm not around,
I won't give in (won't give in),
I can't give up (can't give up),
On this love.

I start to scream in frustration and anger, smashing at the steering wheel and throwing a hissy fit worthy of a four year old. Finally I slam my hand against the radio switch and the song that brought this all on is suddenly switched off.

It’s right. I can’t give up on this love. But I can’t go back there. Not for a little while. It hurts so much, but I have a duty to my husband and children. I can’t be with the man I love more than life itself. But I know it’s there.

My heart is in two, and I know that it can never be whole without him. I can cry and I can scream, but it won’t change what I have to do.

Our love will survive. It will remain long after everyone else is dead. Because this kind of feeling is eternal, and nothing can hurt it, nothing can change it. Not this love.
But my duty in this life calls to me.

And so I answer, but I’ll never let go.

Never.

As a side note, I wanted to write something totally different to go with this song, but just didn't want to take it on due to worrying I wouldn't do the idea justice. At some point I will write a different version, probably more words, less song quotes. But this will do for now. Enjoy!

Decision

Fri, 07 Nov 2008 04:32:39 GMT

Hmmm, so since learning the art of the relatively simple cut, I've decided to post more often, stop being a lurker and actually USE my LJ. Funny huh? lol.

The funny thing is I mentioned in a comment below that I tend to procrastinate when it's exams, and that was over six months ago. Here I am again, another set of exams and assignments, and I am once again 'rediscovering' LJ. Anyone see the link? lol.

Fiddling with trying to figure out how to CUT damnit!

Fri, 07 Nov 2008 04:19:08 GMT

Ok so this is my first attempt at figuring out how to make a cut, so basically please ignore this post as it has basically no meaning ....

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First Edit: Didn't work ..... Damn

Second Edit: Hang on ... it did! I just wasn't looking at the right place .... silly me.

Interesting Article

Wed, 28 May 2008 15:36:57 GMT

I don't quite know how I stumbled upon this, but as I was browsing through the internet I stumbled across this site, and got quite intrigued by a particular article.

Link: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/body/genderpalooza_a_sex_gender_primer

Just the first part, that's above the dotted line. It's quite general and discusses the ideas of sex (biologically male or female?) versus gender (more psychological as in 'gender roles' feminine/masculine) and how often the lines can get confused. It does look at the 'gay' perspective as well as a 'straight' perspective, so consider yourself appropriately cautioned. All the same, I found it a highly intriguing read and well worth the time to consider what they're talking about.

Much love xoxox
~gorgeousbowneyes

Links to accounts of my fictions

Wed, 28 May 2008 06:04:50 GMT

Oh yeah, being the Harry Potter crazed fangirl that I am, I thought I should put in a few links to my different fictions - where they're archived etc.

So at AFF, I'm:
http://hp.adultfanfiction.net/authors.php?no=1296829200

At FF, I'm:

For my mostly het works -
http://www.fanfiction.net/u/861901/gorgeousbowneyes

For my mostly slash works -
http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1280721/gorgeousbowneyesslash

Just a note that some fics are on both sites.

Maybe I should start posting them on here too? Anyways thats all for now folks.

~gorgeousbowneyes

And I'm back to livejournal!

Wed, 28 May 2008 05:56:31 GMT

Hi all!

So I'm just rediscovering my livejournal - I spent a considerable amount of time figuring out the layouts, so hopefully you like :)

Again, it tends to be assessment time when I procrastinate the most and therefore pick up new things again - aka my livejournal. So I really really should get to that work I have to do, God help me I've procrastinated so much!

xoxoxo

EXAMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mon, 10 Sep 2007 05:38:49 GMT

Ahahahaha I'm scared - It's exam time lol. Never mind that I've only got one exam left, I need to do some major studying for it and I have two assignments to do before I finish this term!!!!!!! So stressing!! I think I've gotten to that stage where the stress is making me useless and I can't study, so I'm procrastinating currently on lj. LOL. MB I should go do something else for a little while, have a bath, clean my desk and get refreshed and start again when everything is neat and clean lol. But that all sounds like effort.....which I'm currently lacking, soooooo........you do the math. But this is kinda pointless posting as I only have one friend and yeh she knows who she is, if she's reading this lol, she's probz the only one lol.

Much love

Cat

My First Entry!!!

Tue, 28 Aug 2007 12:07:23 GMT

Hey ya'll cruisy peoples out there, this is the first time EVA that I've posted on lj. I've heard of it heaps, I've had an account for ages, but I haven't used it, and from some prompting from my friend (thank you Christa) I've decided that I should probably post and put a user pic up and do up a background and all that jazz.....its just that that sounds like SOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo much effort. But here I am.
So yeh, can't think of much else to say, so love you all muchly ta ta for now
~gorgeousbowneyes